This is something I grabbed and tweaked from my LOTR book. I don't have many other characters lying around and I know this guy a lot better than most of the others, or somebody I just think of at the moment.
NERVOUS - Trojan was usually superb at hiding his feelings under an expressionless mask, but now his face was white, making his hair an even greater contrast to his skin. His lips were tightened into a thin line and his eyes darted here and there. His hands were clasped together so tightly that his knuckles were white. Huntram suspected that it was to keep from biting his almost non-existent fingernails again.
ANGER - At Maab's words, Huntram nervously glanced at Trojan. The man's face had hardened and he seemed to tremble with suppressed rage. His eyes became narrowed orbs of hate, and he snapped harshly, ""And how is it that you two travel this land in which you have no business?"
In the book, you almost only see Trojan through Huntram's eyes, which is why everything here is from his point of view.
OK, I wondered why we were seeing Trojan from another's POV. Oohh...it is a little harder to show the feelings this way, but good practice.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, I sense that this is a difficult writing element for you.
What I would like to do is walk you through this Show Don't Tell thing with your character, Trojan. Although you did say that this is from H's POV, you have the first sentence from Trojan's POV. (i.e. How does H know that Trojan is usually superbly good at hiding his feelings? He can't know that except from what he SEES.)
Also, since you are so obviously an advanced writing student, I will go farther with you than with the younger students. (And because you asked me to be HARD). LOL
Try to avoid the passive form of the "to be" verb, especially "was" and "were." I noticed their overuse in your paragraph about Trojan. Instead, rearrange to use active verbs that really hit home.
So...here goes...first your original paragraph:
Trojan was usually superb at hiding his feelings under an expressionless mask, but now his face was white, making his hair an even greater contrast to his skin. His lips were tightened into a thin line and his eyes darted here and there. His hands were clasped together so tightly that his knuckles were white. Huntram suspected that it was to keep from biting his almost non-existent fingernails again.
Now, a suggested rewrite:
Hantram looked at Trojan. He knew the man was superb at hiding his feelings under an expressionless mask, but not now. Trojan's white face stood out in stark contrast to his dark hair. He tightened his lips into a thin line, and his eyes darted here and there. Hantram suspected that Trojan clasped his white-knuckled hands together to keep him from biting his almost non-existent fingernails again.
Notice only one "was" (passive verb). They are necessary, but once you look for them and try to change them, your writing will become much more vivid intense.
In the second paragraph, I'm not sure who "the man" and the "he"s are. Trojan? Maab? Hantram? Try rewriting to make this clearer. (Yes, you told me it was Trojan, but as a casual reader I would have to go back and read the paragraph a couple times in order to keep the people straight).
What you could do is write this paragraph from Trojan's POV, just as an exercise for working with POV. (Lesson 13 you practice this more).
Repost and re-comment if you do, and I'll come back and look at it again.